Since I have been under a bit of stress dealing with new hospital protocols and policies, I really started to question how smart I am. If I was even capable of starting over. I started to question if I made the right decision pursuing adult care. They say change is good but at what cost? I made one of the biggest changes in my life and career by moving here to San Diego and I've been worried that I won't be able to hack it. Of course I don't let my preceptors know this. They all tell me I am doing great and don't even need an orientation but inside I feel so worthless and just straight out frightened about being released on my own. Funny how you really are your own worst critics. You don't even believe in yourself when times get a little tough. At least that happens to me. I question everything I do and just get in a rut, a little depression. It's something I deal with almost daily and am pretty sure I am not alone in this. It affects everything in my life and lately it has affected how I feel about myself.
I really try to hold it in as much as I can, but this time around it has made me physically tired and drained. I can only imagine this is why I have had no motivation with working out and eating everything in sight. I have been very open about this and will continue to be just because this is my blog after all. All I can really be is myself and just strive to be a better more positive me. I guess that is why I enjoy blogging because I really just let it all out and just be me.
I am happy to report though, that yesterday I had my very first assignment all myself. Was I nervous? Of course I was, but somehow I was able to get it together and finish the day strong. The training wheels were off and I will admit that it wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be. See how the mind plays tricks on you? I have to just think positive thoughts and really believe in myself. I had it all along but I just couldn't see it since I was blinded by my own cloud of negativity. I guess that really applies to everything in life. When that negative cloud rolls in, it's hard to make it go away. You have to really try to get out of the funk and face your fears. I am slowly doing it and it feels great to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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