Thursday, September 1, 2016

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Another year older, another year wiser? The wiser part is highly debatable but turning 33 does feel a bit odd. This birthday was supposed to be different. I had visions of what this birthday would be like and seeing it unfold differently is disheartening. Right after my last birthday, my husband and I ventured into one of our craziest adventures, preparing for IVF. We were ready for this and we did everything that was asked of us. We did the tests, we ate healthy, I injected my body with MANY hormones, we attended multiple doctor's appointments, many labs were drawn, but we knew doing all this would be all worth it. By this time, I thought I would either be ready to pop or already have my baby. Unfortunately none of those dreams became a reality. It has been a few months now since we found out the horrible news of our failed IVF (9 months to be exact). Some days are easier than others, but today it is a bit hard for me to deal.


You ever want something so bad that when you get told you can't your heart just breaks? Well that is how I felt when we got the call in December of 2015 that all our embryos were not viable. It absolutely shattered me! Since then I have been working on repairing my broken heart and it hasn't always been easy. This birthday was supposed to be different. Today, that is all I keep telling myself over and over. It plays like a broken record player.

"Why did this have to happen to us?" That's the million dollar question right there. I must have asked myself this a thousand times and yet I still don't have an answer. I don't think I ever will but I at least have come to terms with the fact that my husband and I are infertile. At first it was scary to say it out loud but now...oh who am I kidding! Saying it out loud still royally sucks. It's just a reminder that I will never be able to get pregnant or experience child birth. I know it sounds like I am not over this but I am...kinda. Personally I think that knowing I can't get pregnant will always hurt. But over the last few months I have realized that my ultimate goal was always to be a mother and I can still do that. It may not be the way I had hoped for but I do have other options.


This post wasn't meant to be a downer but more about being open and true to myself. Throughout this entire year I have been blessed to have an amazing husband who has been so understanding. I am not alone in this. He and I have only strengthened our marriage by going through this. My faith has also been tested but I truly believe that this is all in God's hands. If we are meant to be parents then He will guide us towards that. All I can do is keep staying positive and remember that whatever outcome happens, I have a great support system. Currently, my husband and I are in the application process of adopting through San Diego county. It's been many months since we started all this and not really sure what our timeline looks like to be honest.  We are fully aware that at any moment the county could call us to tell us we have been matched. We are also aware that we may wait for years until we hear something. Not sure what next year will bring us but as long as we have each other, I'll be a happy camper!



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Instagram: fitwanderlustrunner
Twitter: fitwrunner
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I am linking up with Amanda from Running with Spoons

2 comments:

  1. Happy birthday! Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal story with us. Best of luck. I am rooting for you!

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  2. Happy birthday dear Daisy!! Infertility truly sucks and I'm sorry that you are in the same boat as me. I will keep you both in my prayers.

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